starting over.

My life has been a rough one. By the grace of god i made it through this last one. -- I've struggled with addiction since I was fifteen years old. Although i know I was an addict long before my first use. I've always searched for something to make me happy. Growing up I felt as if I never fit anywhere: not with my family, not at school, not with friends. I never seemed to be a loner, but I was on the inside. Drinking in Highschool was accepted and was all I wanted to do. From the use of my first mood altering substance, I thought I had found what I needed. I was happy. I was introduced to opiates when I was fifteen. Hello drug of choice. When I first started using them, I was completely who I wanted to be.  I did have dry spells in my addiction. Such as pregnancies, and June 12- September 13. After Lenix was born in 2011  I thought I had hit my bottom. Postpartum depression had introduced itself to me & I self medicated. I still functioned in daily life, even keeping a 3.8 gpa, & raising two kids. Casey came home from his deployment and I came clean. He had always known I had a problem, but never knew I'd take it to extremes of 50-60 norco or lortabs a day. My day consisted of finding pills. That's pretty much it. We went home to ND again until his deployment in September of 2013.  I moved home again, which was probably the beginning of my mistakes.  --- & just like clockwork as every addict does, I picked up right where I left off. Not only that but I picked up a new drug as well. Methamphetamine. ---- even the name is shameful and hurts to even type. There's a reason people call certain drugs "hard drugs". It's easy to sit back and look down on someone who uses it. I've always thought it was a trashy drug myself. I even hated it while doing it. I'd sit there while high, look up horror stories of children found in meth labs, look at before & after pictures, then put my phone down & hit the pipe, sick to my stomach. It doesn't make any sense.  I ll skip all the stories about me staying up for 12 days at a time, because I don't like to glorify it. I've noticed that I sometimes glam it up like it was fun, and then I remember the last two weeks before Mother's Day of this year. I began isolating myself, putting my babies off on other people, and hurting my loved ones beyond repair. All I cared about was that next high. That shit took me down really fast. I contemplated suicide because my life was worthless and I didn't have anything left but my drug & that was even getting slim. I went to jail in may & spent Mother's Day in jail; I found god that day. I'll journal about that in a different post. - I went to rehab at the Mississippi State Hospital. I felt so relieved to be there. I noticed that I was slowly starting to feel again. In active addiction, I used to feel numb. I had suppressed past issues and events in my life that I shouldn't have. Physical pain isn't a problem, it's the emotional pain that I can't handle. In rehab i forgave people for things that had been done years ago. Things that I had hidden deep within, that made me form hatred for people who probably don't ever even think of me after all these years gone by. - I began to feel whole again. I had my mind back. They say as recovering addicts we live in a fourth dimension.  And I fully believe it.  Today I like to wake up and drink coffee outside. Just to stop and take note of gods creations. I've been humbled. I've never been so thankful for anything like I have my sobriety. The ability to see things in a way that I haven't been able to since I was fifteen years old. Even my personality is like it was in jr high. For eight years I walked on this earth as something like a zombie. I didn't feel emotion & I had lost all personality. I was a miserable being.  - Now little things such as a good laugh, seeing a butterfly, or even being in the summer rain just make me feel alive.  I live everyday in complete amazement of Gods wonders & blessings. Since I've been at my secondary rehab in hattiesburg, I've made friends with people who relapsed. I've heard of people my age overdosing. To be honest, I'm so afraid. For the first time in my life I'm afraid of drugs. I know something as simple as a bad day can trick my mind into using. The term "ones too many & one thousand is never enough" comes to my mind. I know one use isn't possible for me. I'm not a functioning addict, and I had no control over my addictions. They had consumed my life. I'm so afraid of losing the new found happiness I now have. It's important for me to remember I have a choice. I never have to use again. I never have to live the miserable life of chasing that high again. -- addiction is a disease. It's just like cancer to me. Once you have it, it's always there. But you can recover. Some recover just for short amounts of time followed by worsening relapse,like a period of remission. Addiction is even deadly. Even though this addiction thing has pretty much destroyed my life as I knew it, I'm so grateful. Because now I'm learning how to live again & this time I get to experience all of these emotions. I get to "stop & smell the roses". I get to feel happy& now when I laugh I feel it inside of me. The happiness and joy of life amazes me. I'm not ashamed of my past because it's made me who I am today. 

Crockpot/Freezer Cooking--42 Meals

It's been over a year since my last post. One of my best friends wrote me & told me I needed to start blogging again. So, with requests I've decided to share my new found obsession. Crockpot Freezer cooking. I'm goging to share my recipies & even supply you with a shopping list. Let me start by saying, I am a picky eater. I cannot stand biting into an onion. So if youre going to use my shopping list, PAY ATTENTION.

• Onion, Garlic, Rosemary, Parsley. - If you want to stand there chopping & mincing all day, go right ahead. I however use the powder. 
• Beef Broth & Chicken Broth- I often have a shopping list that has 8 cans of chicken broth. Save your money & buy the bullion cubes. Just add a cup of water to every cube used.
• Cheese- You're going to need a lot. That's inevitable. 
• When it comes to chicken, it's boneless, skinless chicken breasts unless specified otherwise.
• I usually use 3 for every meal. One for me, husband & split between the children. 

First I'll start with the basics. Label your bags. What it is, Date, & Any instructions you might need to remember. If you're cooking from frozen it's going to take longer. I always sit mine in the sink the night before & let it thaw.
Some people label all their bags, filling them up all at the same time. That is a mess to me. When I get in from shopping, I sit everything on my counter. & fill my bags one by one. It's really simple. I fill the no cook/no prep food first.

NO COOK/NO PREP 


Cheesy Ravioli Bake

Ingredients:
2 9 oz. packages of Refrigerator Ravioli
(I used the roasted portabello mushroom flavor)
1 Jar Prego Spagetti Sauce
2 cups shredded cheese

Directions:  Place the ravioli and sauce in freezer bag and freeze.  When ready to cook, thaw slightly and add to crockpot.  Top with shredded cheese and cook on low for 4-6 hours.

Honey Rosemary Chicken

IN THE BAG- 2 lbs boneless, skinless chicken breasts or thighs, cut into bite sized pieces, 1/3 c balsamic vinegar, 1/3 c honey, 1/3 c olive oil, 3 T chopped fresh rosemary, 1 t salt. Let marinate for several hours in the refrigerator before freezing.

TO COOK- Let defrost completely in the fridge. Add 1 cup of water and the contents of the bag to the crockpot. Then cook on high for 3-4 hours or low for 6-8 hours.

These recipies you add chicken, how many ever will serve you or your family.

Chicken with Honey Sauce

•         1 cup honey

•         1/2 cup soy sauce

•         1/8 cup chopped onion (that you set aside earlier)

•         1/4 cup ketchup

•         2 Tbs. vegetable oil

•         3 cloves garlic, minced

•         1/2 tsp. red pepper flakes *if you don’t like heat, don’t add these

 Sesame Chicken 

•         1 cup soy sauce

•         2/3 cup brown sugar

•         1/2 tsp. garlic powder

•         1/2 tsp. ground ginger

•         2 Tbsp. ketchup

•         2 Tbsp. sesame seeds (you can toast if you want.. I am lazy so I don’t

LEMON & GARLIC "DUMP" CHICKEN

2 Cloves Garlic -- chopped

4 Tablespoons Olive Oil

2 Tablespoons Chopped Parsley

3 Tablespoons Lemon Juice

1/8 Teaspoon Pepper

1 1/2 Pounds Chicken Piece

CHILI MAPLE GLAZED CHICKEN

2 Tablespoons Water

1 Teaspoon Salt

1.5 Tablespoons Maple Syrup

1 Tablespoon Chili Powder

HONEY GLAZED "DUMP" CHICKEN

1/4 cup Butter -- Melted

1/8 cup Soy Sauce

1/2 cup Honey

4 boned and skinned chicken breast halves

BBQ JELLY CHICKEN

3/4 cup Ketchup

3/4 cup Blackberry Jelly (Strawberry, peach, and apricot also work well)

1/4 cup White Vinegar

1 Teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

2 Teaspoons Chili Powder

1/8 Teaspoon Salt

CHILI MAPLE GLAZED CHICKEN

2 Tablespoons Water

1 Teaspoon Salt

1.5 Tablespoons Maple Syrup

1 Tablespoon Chili Powder

GARLIC DIJON CHICKEN

2 Cloves Minced Garlic

4 Tablespoons Dijon Mustard

2 Tablespoons Lime Juice

HONEY GINGER CHICKEN

4 Tablespoons Chopped Onion

1.5 Tablespoons Honey

1 Tablespoon Soy Sauce

1 Tablespoon Minced Ginger

HONEY GLAZED CHICKEN

1/4 cup Butter, Melted

1/8 cup Soy Sauce

1/2 cup Honey

HONEY SESAME CHICKEN

1/2 cup Beer

3 Tablespoons Sesame Seeds

3 Tablespoons Honey

2 Tablespoons Dijon Mustard

1/2 Teaspoon Pepper

2 Cloves Crushed Garlic

LEMON & GARLIC CHICKEN

2 Cloves Chopped Garlic

4 Tablespoons Olive Oil

2 Tablespoons Chopped Parsley

3 Tablespoons Lemon Juice

1/8 Teaspoons Pepper

LEMON MARINADE CHICKEN

2/3 cup Lemon Juice

1/4 cup Cider Vinegar

1/4 cup Vegetable Oil

2 Tablespoons Minced Onion

PEPPER LIME CHICKEN

1/2 Teaspoon Lime Peel

2 Cloves Minced Garlic

1/4 cup Lime Juice

1 Teaspoon Pepper

1 Tablespoon Vegetable Oil

1 Teaspoon Basil

1/4 Teaspoon Salt

Sweet & Sour Chicken

1/4 cup + 2 Tablespoons Honey

1/4 cup + 2 Tablespoons Sherry Vinegar

1/8 cup Soy Sauce

2 Teaspoons Minced Ginger

4 Cloves Crushed Garlic

SWEET & SPICY CHICKEN

1 Package Taco Seasoning

8 oz Jelly

12 oz Salsa

STICKY CHICKY

2 Tablespoons Oil

1 Tablespoon Soy Sauce

3 Tablespoons Smooth Peanut Butter

3 Tablespoons Ketchup

TERIYAKI CHICKEN

1 Clove Garlic, Crushed

1/3 cup Soy Sauce

2 Tablespoons Rice Wine (Or Sherry)

1.5 Tablespoons Cider Vinegar

Crock Pot Cheesy Chicken and Rice

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts 

1 -8 ounce box Zatarain's Yellow Rice Mix, cooked according to directions 

1 cup cheddar cheese 

1 - can cream of chicken soup 

1 - can whole kernel corn, drained

Creamy Chicken

3 chicken breast

1 can cream of chicken soup

½ can water

Salt and pepper 

Thai Chicken Wings with Peanut Sauce

 

Ingredients:

2 lbs. chicken drumsticks or wings

1/2 cup bottled salsa

1/4 cup Peanut Butter

3 T lime juice

3 T soy sauce

3 T water

2 T freshed chopped ginger

1/4 cup sugar

2 cloves garlic chopped

 

CHICKEN TACO SOUP

1 onion, chopped

1 (16 ounce) can chili beans

1 (15 ounce) can black beans

1 (15 ounce) can whole kernel corn, drained

1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce

1 (12 fluid ounce) can or bottle beer (or broth)

2 (10 ounce) cans diced tomatoes with green chilies, undrained

1 (1.25 ounce) package taco seasoning

3 whole skinless, boneless chicken breasts

shredded Cheddar cheese (optional garnish after cooking)

sour cream (optional garnish after cooking)

Lemon garlic Chicken

1/2 tsp. salt

 1/4 tsp. ground black pepper

 2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breast halves

 2 T. butter

 1/4 c. water

 3 T. fresh lemon juice

 2 cloves garlic, minced

 1 tsp. chicken bouillon granules

 1 tsp. chopped fresh parsley (I didn't have fresh parsley, so I just used dried and  it worked   perfectly)

 1 package cream cheese (you can use 1/3 less fat or fat free)

Brown Sugar Chicken - 

--1 cup brown sugar 

--1/4 cup Sprite

--2/3 cup vinegar 

--3 cloves smashed and chopped garlic

--2 T soy sauce 

--1 tsp ground black pepper

CROCK POT RED BEANS AND RICE

1 pound red beans

7 cups water

2 Tablespoons of minced garlic 

2 cans chicken broth

1-1/2 pounds sausage 

2 Tablespoons Creole Seasoning (I use Tony's)

Beef Tips 

2 lbs of stew meat (or buy a roast and ask butcher to cut into stew meat for you)

1 can cream of mushroom soup

1 pack of dry onion soup mix

1 can of sprite (8-10 ounces) 

Chicken Soft Tacos

- 5 frozen chicken breasts

- 1 can enchilada sauce

- 1 package taco seasoning

- 35-40 tortillas

- Shredded mexican cheese

Put first 3 ingredients in crock pot.  Cook 5-6 hours on low, or until chicken is done.  Shred chicken, return to crock pot for another hour.  Fill tortillas with chicken and cheese.  Roll up, wrap in foil, freeze batches of tacos in gallon sized zip lock bags

Colorado Beef Burritos

Ingredients:

2 lb. stew beef

2 12 oz. cans enchilada sauce

1 cup chopped onion

1 cup beef stock

6 flour tortillas

2 cups shredded cheese 

Directions:  Label bag and add the stew beef, 1 can enchilada sauce, onions and beef stock.  Freeze until ready to cook.  Thaw slightly and place in slow cooker.  Cook on low for 6-8 hours until beef is tender.  Remove beef and shred.  Divide beef between the flour tortillas, place in greased baking dish, top with other can of enchilada sauce and cheese and bake for 20-30 minutes until cheese is melted and bubbly.  Serve with salsa, guacamole, shredded lettuce and tomatoes

BEEF - With pretty much all beef recipes you have to do a little cooking.

Wendy’s Chili

2 pounds ground beef – brown and drain

1 Tablespoon minced garlic

1 can ranch style beans

1 can kidney beans

1 can rotel

1 can stewed tomatoes

2 cans tomato sauce 

1 pack McCormick mild chili seasoning

Taco Chili

1 lb. cooked ground beef

1 medium onion chopped

1 can corn drained

1 can black beans drained

1 can navy beans drained

1 8 oz can tomato sauce

2 14 oz. cans diced tomatoes

1 small can diced green chilies

1 package taco seasoning 

Black bean taco soup

1 lb ground beef (or ground turkey tastes so good in this recipe too!)

1 medium onion, chopped

1 package mild taco seasoning mix

1 16 oz can corn (undrained)

1 16 oz can black beans, drained and rinsed (you could use kidney beans or pinto beans)

1 14 oz can stewed tomatoes

1 14 oz can diced tomatoes

1 8 oz can tomato sauce

1 4 oz can diced green chilis

tortilla chips

Other taco toppings you like (cheese, sour cream, avocado, etc)

 Slow cooker Lasagna

1 lb. lean ground beef (could be substituted for italian sausage)

 1 jar spaghetti sauce

 1 c. water

 1 pkg. Kraft Italian Cheese (approx. 2 cups)

 1/4 c. grated parmesan cheese

 1 egg

 2 tbsp. parsley

 6 lasagna noodles, uncooked

Crockpot Cheesy Chicken Spaghetti 

16 oz. dry spaghetti, cook and drain 

1 lb. Velveeta Cheese 

2 cups cooked, chopped chicken (I use white meat from a rotisserie chicken)

1 can cream of mushroom soup

1 can cream of chicken soup

1 can of petite diced tomatoes (optional) 

1/2 cup water

salt & pepper to taste

Stroganoff

1 lb stew beef, seared and just cooked through

1 can beef broth

2 cans cream of mushroom soup

1/4c worcestershire sauce

1 pack brown gravy mix

1 tbsp pepper

(egg noodles and sour cream)

Serve with Egg Noodles

These recipes require cooking & shredding Chicken before you prepare, then freeze.

Creamy Mexican Chicken Pasta

1 jars alfredo sauce

1 jar salsa

1 pack taco seasoning

2 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded

(rotini pasta and cheddar cheese)

Directions: Mix everything together and freeze.

Directions for bag: Mix contents with 1lb rotini pasta…pour in a greased 9x13 casserole dish. Top with cheddar cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

crushed tortilla chips (optional garnish after cooking)

Combine all ingredients into a Ziploc bag. Freeze. Thaw and cook on low for 6-8 hours. Shred chicken in crock pot once cooking is done. Serve topped with shredded Cheddar cheese, a dollop of sour cream, and crushed tortilla chips, if desired. Served approx. 5-6 people.

Pulled BBQ Chicken

1 bottle bbq sauce

2 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded

1/4c chicken broth

(buns)

Directions: Mix sauce, chicken and broth. Freeze.

COOK-FREEZE-BAKE-

Don't freeze these in glass, buy the aluminum trays & cover with tin foil to freeze.

Simple Macaroni and Beef with Cheese

2 cans stewed tomatoes (not drained)

 1.5 pounds lean ground beef—brown and drain 

 1 box  elbow macaroni noodles – boil and drain

 1 cup grated cheddar cheese 

1 cup grated mozzarella cheeses

Brown and drain meat, add tomatoes.  Boil pasta and drain then add to the meat and tomato mixture.  Spray 9x13 baking dish and pour in mixture.  Top with cheese and freeze.

 bake 375 degrees 30-45 minutes until bubbly

Honey Garlic Pork Chops 

4 boneless pork chops 

¼ cup honey 

3 teaspoons soy sauce

3 Tablespoons of minced garlic 

Mix honey, soy sauce and garlic and pour over pork chops.  freeze.  Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes  (you could do the same with chicken breast you just may have to cook the chicken a little longer) 

Mexican Dorito Casserole 

2 c. shredded cooked chicken

1 c. shredded cheese (or more if you are a cheese hound)

1 can cream of chicken soup

1/2 cup milk

1/2 cup sour cream

1 can Ro-tel tomatoes (canned tomatoes with jalepenos-mild)

1/2 packet taco seasoning (or more- to taste)

Bag of doritos

Mix all & freeze in baking dish. Thaw & cover with doritos, bake at 350

John Wayne Casserole

Adapted from Mississippi Magazine

2 pounds ground beef, cooked and drained

1 packet taco seasoning

4 ounces sour cream

4 ounces mayonnaise

8 ounces shredded Cheddar cheese

2 cups biscuit mix

1. Heat oven to 325. Brown ground beef and add taco seasoning and water (as directed on taco seasoning pack) set aside

2. In a separate bowl, combine sour cream, mayonnaise, 4 ounces of cheddar cheese, set aside.

3. Stir biscuit mix and water (directions on box) to form soft dough. Pat dough on the bottom and one-half-inch up the sides of a 9 x 13 in. greased casserole dish.

5. On top of biscuit mix, evenly distribute ingredients in the following order: ground beef, sour cream mixture and top with remaining shredded cheese. (probably add more cheese to the top)

6.Freeze.

7. Bake for 30-40 minutes or until edges of dough are lightly browned.  

I am going to post a shopping list tomorrow if someone plans to make all of these. 

Nice to meet you L2.

So obviously I've seriously fallen behind in blogging. A lot has happened since my last post:as in Birthed a baby, my husband is overseas, i moved my two kids & myself completely across country, & I'm in college. Therefore, Im hoping my absence has been excused. Now , How do I even begin to start. I've had so many things happen to me & I think to myself, "oh, I should write this down." 9 times out of 10, I forget. So here goes nothing. Lets start where we left off. 
November- Sunday the 13th- Spent the day with Casey & Lainey playing as hard as we could. At about 4 Lainey layed down for a nap & I started having mild contractions. (I had contractions all pregnancy, So a lot of false alarms) 5-6 p.m. - stronger, very uncomfortable pains. 7 p.m.- Casey lets go this is it. We got to the hospital at about 710. They came in & checked me (4 cm) The Dr refused to believe it was real. They said I could stay for an hour & they'd "monitor" me. By 745 I was begging them to come & check me. PLEASE. My answer was steadily No. After me breaking down in tears the nurse finally decides she'd check me. (5 1/2cm) I guess once she saw I'd made significant change in about 30 minutes she decided she'd let my Dr know. By this time I was begging for something to help with my pain. Its an overwhelming pain that I would try to fight & after a few seconds my body would take it upon itself to scream. I couldn't even hold the scream in;It hurt that bad. Between contractions (they were 30-45seconds apart) I would beg my nurse for anything to help with pain. A shot, a pill, epidural, anything. She'd always respond " Would you like tylenol or ibuprofen?" [Excuse my language here] But Bitch have you ever birthed a damn child?! (real heavy emphasis on bitch) They kept telling me they'd call for my epidural soon. Finally the man got there to give me the miracle drug. My husband held  me & calmed me somewhat. If it weren't for him I wouldnt have been able to get it. My body was under so much.   The man got the thing in & gives me a test drip. Everything was fine. He tells my nurse to check me. (9cm) "oh, sorry ma'am but we cant give you the actual meds. you're too far into labor." ARE YOU KIDDING? It was a cold, brutal reality for someone who had an amazing, no pain first labor to realize that this one was going to be everything but pain free. Suddenly, I have this huge urge to either push or squeeze. I told mu nurse how I felt. "Better hold him in honey, your doctor's not even at the hospital. She's about 20 minutes away." Great. Lovely. Amazing. i had no choice, so I squeezed. The doctor finally got there & as soon as she walked in the room I asked if I could push. "Go Ahead." Push. Push. Doctor says WOW.Casey got excited & screamed one more time momma! Push. Baby Crying. - That sums it up. I literally pushed 3 times & there was my angel. They take him, clean him up & doctors all rush out of my room. The nurse says "okay, Let's take a shower." WHAT. Have you been asleep?? because I just had a baby 2 minutes ago! SO as instructed & without arguing (because Im a weak tit) I get up & take a shower to find out I had to walk down the hall to a new room. This new room is our home for the next 3 days & I may or may not have to share it with another mommy & her baby. If I had to share the room, then Casey would have to leave. This is when I finally realized I had been completely robbed of a "blissful" birthing experience. I honestly felt like I was in a third-world country. All that was missing was boiling water & straw mats. I know that my grandmothers all did this natural, but I was spoiled with having Lainey at Wesley Medical Center. It was amazing & I experienced no pain whatsoever. Of course now I love the fact that I had a natural birthing experience. I feel more woman. I endured every second of that pain to give my child life. & Im super glad that my husband was there with me, to see how lucky "the male" is. In some ways, I feel like even if I did have a better experience, I still wouldn't have been completely happy because Casey was still leaving in 2 weeks. & That was on my mind constantly. 
That is my birth story #2. - I still have to cover the months of December & January to actually "catch up", but I figured this was a decent starting point since it was such a huge moment. 


TO BE CONTINUED....

This was the first picture of Lenix, 

AN HOUR OLD OLD. :) IN OUR "NEW ROOM"  Notice the other bed.
 

ready? or not.

braxton hicks can kiss my butt.
stronger, harder, closer, longer. - sounds dirty, somewhat racy. but no, quite the opposite.
I have been in pain, and I know it's just a little taste of what's to come.
Of course when I'm in pain, I tell Casey. His response is always the same. "You'll be okay."
FYI- He wasn't able to be present at Lainey's birth because of his service to this great country. I've been trying to "prep" him for this whole labor experience we're about to go through. I'm sure he'll know how to handle it when the time comes, but if I hear one single "You'll be okay", he'll probably find his self sitting in the hall. Anyways, I figure he knew what to expect. I mean woman screams, pushes, & hello baby. It's not really a hard concept to grasp, but a part of me knew he wasn't really thinking of all the graphic stuff. So, last night I sit him down. "Casey, will you watch a birth video so you wont get in the room & freak out." He just looked at me like are you serious? I said please, it's really important to me. Inside, I was laughing like crazy. So I pull up babycenter.com - 3 videos. - Natural birth, Epidural Birth, & Emergency C-section.
They had Twins, Triplets, Water birth. But i felt lucky getting him to agree to just one. So, I only asked him to watch the ones with situations that could possibly happen to us. Im not too sure what part he was watching specifically, but I saw his eyes go wide. I didn't ask his opinion until the end of the 3rd video & he looked at me with the most pitiful face ever & said "Ricki, Do I have to watch anymore?" Poor thing.
I asked him what he thought. "I might throw up, I think I need to sit down & drink some water."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How are you gonna handle this in real life?!! What'd he think it was like? Glitter and cookies?? About an hour later as we were giving Lainey her bath he says "Birth is a really big deal huh? I don't know if I'm gonna be able to handle it."  - Deep inside me I wish I could see a visual image of what he was expecting before these videos. - I said "Casey, all you have to do is stand there. I'm gonna need you to man up & handle this. It's MY crotch thats about to endure this." He didnt really say anything for awhile. We get in bed & he says "I'm kindof glad it's you & not me." & then proceeds to kiss my forehead. -Boy,Boy,Boy. This is about to be some kind of experience. What I would give to video this whole thing. Me & him, alone in a hospital room, about to birth a child.
Needless to say, We already have a list of rules. Number one being, under no circumstance whatsoever, is he allowed to say "You'll be okay." I calculate birth to be about 2-3 weeks away. So please, pray for my husband  & I. - This is about to be a life changer.

update.

We are back from our trip home. Now it is time to get in gear for Mr.Lenix, because ready or not, he is on his way! I can't believe Im less than a month away from being a mother to two beautiful children. I never in a million years imagined this would be my life. No kids. No marriage. No airforce. & definitely No North Dakota. But here I find myself, blessed by the grace of God & so happy my heart is bursting with joy. I wont lie though, I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of labor, a c-section, epidural, & honestly I'm terrified to have two children to take care of. Just a mere two years ago I was gone with the wind & couldn't even take care of myself. I'm not really sure why God picked me to have these little miracles as my children. He could've given them to a fully deserving upper middle class family who's been trying to have children for years, but cant. Why me? I'll never know the answer to that, & I couldn't be happier that it was me who was blessed with them. My life is now completely devoted to keeping their bellys full & keeping a smile on their faces. Not only them, but my husband as well. Saturday will be our 1st anniversary!! He's mentioned it several times this week & has already found us a babysitter. Which makes me glow with happiness because he's not the "romantic type". Not even hardly. But the fact that he's the one that has mentioned it so much just lets me know that it does matter to him. I would be happy just to sit here at home with him & Lainey. Him wanting to actually take his whale of wife (35 weeks pregnant) somewhere makes me a happy girl. This probably will be our last alone time before his deployment. With Lenix on the way, family visiting & just our everyday ruckus, I'm sure this will be our last time to just enjoy a minute of breathing time together for months & months.
We had pictures taken when we went home on leave. Lainey wasn't cooperative, of course. Over 200 pictures & she smiled in 4. Really?? But anywho, I'm super thankful just to have one decent one of the 3 of us.I guess it doesnt really matter if she was smiling or not because  in a month they wont be sufficient, anymore since number 4 will be here. Here's some of my favs.

reminiscing.

the past post really had me thinking about the day I had Lainey. Just so much raw emotion. these are some pictures that make it feel like it was this morning. My hair was a mess, I didnt have one of those c-section planned, put make up on for pictures births. It amazes me in almost everysingle picture I never stopped looking at her. I was so caught up in her beauty & still am to this day. 

The very first time I ever held my sweet baby. My whole life changed in that second.

this was like 3 minutes after she was born. 

Telling Casey how beautiful she was/

i was the proudest momma.

even with people all around, i still couldnt stop looking at her.

this night she was crying & was handed to me. she instantly stoopped. my hair was horrible. but when you have naturally curly hair, the last thing you wanna do after birthing a child is spend an hour straightening hair.

meeting mom's friends.

meeting her great grandmother. 

nonnie.

chacha.

including my dads belly, this is a picture of 4 generations. 

she puts the best in friend. 

pain medicine? cousin kaitlyn.

meeting papow shane.  his first grandbaby.

meeting aunt kaley.

a full plate.

It's been awhile since I've sat down and blogged. Main reason being these are the very last few weeks I have with just "mama & lainey time". I try to never take anything for granted, so I've been spending some extra special time with her. 

The next few months are about to be at the very least, hectic. We have a vacation trip home next week & it will be a much needed break from everything. It'll also be the last time Casey sees his parents before he deploys. I know saying goodbye this time will be different from the rest. After we get back from Mississippi, it will be time to have a baby. Mr.Lenix. He has already rocked his mama's world. Now that labor is so close, I;m getting nervous about it. If it's like it was with Lainey, no big deal. I felt no pain, & it was over as soon as it started. I feel as if I got pretty lucky in that department. So, what's the odds of that happening twice? My honest opinion, I think I probably have a better chance on being struck by lightning. To me nothing about a new baby is glamorous. not the pregnancy, not the l&d, & damn sure not the first week or two after birth. It's just the Love. Thats what's so exciting about it. The overwhelming feeling as you see your child for the first time. The instant love that no one in this world can comprehend or even come close to understanding, but a mother, who's been threw the exact same thing. Something so overwhelmingly powerful that the pain that your own body just went through is the furthest thing from your mind. I went from wondering what was going on "down there", to completely forgetting about it, within a second. Watching Lainey take her first breath has  been the greatest, most fulfilling experience of my life. hands down. The first time the handed her to me I didnt even know how to hold a baby. I hated kids. Still do, besides a slim few. But the second she open her eyes & looked at mine was magical. I'll never be able to fully explain it like it really feels. I was an unmarried, uneducated, unemployed, teenage mother. But I didnt care.She was my everything in an instant, And I was suddenly perfectly happy being me, because I was her mother. My mom was there when I had Lainey & the moment Im talking about, where me&L made eyecontact for the first time, my mom got it on camera. She got several great pictures when Lainey was born. I never even noticed she was taking pictures, that's how caught up in Lainey I was. The fact that Im about to go threw all of this again is amazing. (overwhelming, scary, and ridiculous) but amazing. And this time I (hopefully) get to experience it with my husband. I pray that he somehow feels some of this 'magic'. I call it magic because i dont know what else to call it, to me that's what it is. --  Compared to my last pregnancy, this one has flown by at an alarming rate. He has a room, with furniture. But that's it. No bedding, no diapers his size. It's overwhelming. That time is almost gone, this is really about to happen again. I have to kick myself into high gear. I'm hoping he will be here well before Thanksgiving. That way he will have time with his daddy. I've already had 8 months of bonding time with him, Casey deserves at least a week or two.  -  Our mothers & my best friend are coming up here before he leaves & I am so excited I could pee. I never thought I'd have a mother-in-law like I do. I always heard all of the common mother-in-law horror stories, & assumed I'd have a wicked witch like everybody else. I guess I lucked out. Because her coming here feels like Christmas to me. I really thank God for her, that she accepts me as I am, faults & all. My mom & lindsay coming are just icing on the cake.I love the fact that over the years, I've had a friendship that has lasted throughout everything. She was my first friend that came to see lainey & we hadnt even been that close while i was pregnant with lainey, but she was there. & she's gonna be here shortly after Lenix.  I also love, love, love the fact that I have a mother who has honestly always been there for me. She hasnt really missed a moment in my life & I'll never take that for granted. How blessed can I get? .  I am so excited that for a little bit, I will have the people that mean the most to me and my family (Casey, Me, The L Babys, & our mothers) together. Even if it's just for a few days. Family is so special to me. Especially since we dont get to see ours too often. ---Im not too upset about Casey leaving anymore. I know we'll be just fine. Plus Im going to school while he's gone, so Im pretty excited about it. Finally getting started back on a path that will make my children proud. I wish I didnt have to move across country with two babies, in snow. But it will be worth it. I have so much to do in so little time. But at the same time I have so much to be thankful for that it kind of diminishes all of my worries & fears. Just one of those moments I get to look up & smile, because I know there is a greater power looking out for me. Jeremiah 29:11. 

21 deep questions.

this was suggested by a fellow blogger and i havent blogged in weeks. so what better reason to.

1. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
neither. i always like to make eye contact when it comes to serious stuff. it helps me know who i can trust.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.
i haven't really been THAT mad in a long time. But Lainey's birthday comes to mind. I was sick with strep throat, & had absolutely no sleep, Casey left me to go play golf. Sounds stupid now, but being pregnant & super emotional had a huge part in it. 

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
wow. this question really just went there. if i was alone, i'd call my mom first & just tell her that i loved her & i;d prob be as quick as i could & then call casey. there's no way I'd be able to say everything I needed to say. my main concern would be letting them know how much i love them. and that my children would be taken care of.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
when they said deep questions, they meant it.

a) i would tell my mother, & try to help her deal with the fact that she was about to loose another person that is close to her. i would never hide that from her, because she's been threw so much concerning death in the past few years. more than any person ever should really.
b) i would spend every single second with my children. that's the easiest question ive ever had to answer. I dont care about going to hawaii, sky diving, or anything like that. there's nothing i HAVE to see before my time here is up. I would just want to be with my babies and my husband. & just hold them, try to give them an idea of how much they mean to me.
c) yes & no. scared of the unknown, what my children would be like or have to deal with. I wouldnt be there for school, proms, ball games, their weddings.  scared of dying>no. I have faith in where i will go, & who will be there with open arms. 

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.love. hands down. 

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

odds are, i'd never even see the dog. i'd be mad i was having to walk.

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?on a honeymoon with my husband. we never got to do that. i dont really care where, i'd just want to be with him. even if it was a tent in the middle of nowhere.   we never get to be alone, but it's not really a problem because we love our child & wouldnt trade a second we've had with her for anything in this world. however, it would be nice just to take a little time off from our responsibilities & just breathe, together. If someone offered me a trip to anywhere, I'd either say ancient rome, or the mayan temples. im a history buff & those two cultures get me excited.

8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
my grandfather. & to be honest, I'd give him a whole year of my life. Im not sure he'd want it though. He's happier where he is & i know that for a fact. He is with my grandmother, right where he belongs. On another note, If i had a choice who I got to bring back, it'd be my grandmother Lucy, or my mamow Ruth.(sorry Granddaddy, but i know you wouldnt even want to) I'd love to just sit with them, just for a little while and just talk. ask questions. let them meet Lainey. beg my mamow to teach me to sew. i'd just want to talk with them about life in general. They both passed when I was at the age that I thought I knew everything & couldnt learn anything from them. in reality, I knew absolutely nothing & could learn everything from them. damnit.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
absolutely. one thing i can say about myself is that i am a VERY loyal friend. if youre my friend, i will always be there, no matter what, no questions asked. i tell my friends the truth even if it's not what they want to hear. 

10. Does love = sex?

i'm not too sure i understand the question. if you love someone does that mean you have sex with them? no. i love many people that i do not have sex with. i think the question was supposed to be does sex equal love. The answer is still no. however, i do believe sex is only supposed to be shared between a couple who have love. really im too fat for it & i could care less about it right now. i think it's too public and glorified these days, sex should always be a private matter.  

11. Your best friend dies, what would you do?

why is this whole thing about death??

i would cry my eyes out & fly home as fast as i could. to hug tami because that would mean she just lost her daughter. & really i'd try to explain to courtnay the way I knew lindsay and how she should strive to be just like her. 

12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
i try to tell casey how i feel about him everysingle day. I also tell my daughter, but she doesnt really understand yet.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
not.
“i..i think i love you”
“oh…uhhhhh……………………………hmmm…thanks??…..”
tell me that isnt an awkward moment.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?sweets/desserts, mt.dew. 

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
i dont love lainey in a romantic way. so this morning, about 100 times already.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would it be?
school. & all the problems I personally caused between casey & i.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
i dont even know how really. i took a class once, in 8th grade. I remember nothing. 

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?
…

i probably wasnt supposed to, but i did notice that 17 & 18 were reversed. & if i was seriously scared enough i'd call security forces.....after i called my husband to get their number.

19. Are you old fashioned?
more & more everyday.

20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?im going to assume that based on all these questions about love and whatnot, whoever wrote up this survey is someone who was recently hurt by his/her significant other and wants the whole freakin world to choose the “right” answer by writing: LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
for every answer. or something like that.

21. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish?really, money. i know thats selfish but i'd ask for a lot. so casey wouldnt have to work & i wouldnt have to go to school, to eventually work. We could spend the day with our babies. 

my baby is no longer a baby.

i have dishes to do. & laundry that needs to be put up.

but they can wait. it has been two weeks since my last blog entry. 

i promised i'd give a review of lainey's first birthday party, so here it is. 

this is outfit number one. custom made from an army wife out in california. i love etsy.com. id much rather give her money than some random store. i loved the bell-bottoms. & halter-top. It was too precious.  
Outfit #2 was a last-minute buy from target. I knew she may get messy with her cake so it was our back-up. The tu-tu was honestly an awkward length, but it was 5 dollars.

cute little party i thought.

I wrote about how worried I was over her cakes.
I have to admit, i wasn't disappointed at all. They were worth every penny. We only paid three small dollars for her smash cake. After I saw it, I immediately thought we should've tipped the lady at least. For a local grocery store they were perfect. Not to mention, they tasted amazing. But I am pregnant, so a lot of things taste amazing.

 I made a thing for her highchair (im not even sure what you would call it). Abby Cadabby is a princess, so  I wanted Lainey to be a princess too. I didnt really get a full picture of it, but I made it out of $5 worth of sheer purple fabric, $3 of pink feather boa, $3 of wide turquoise ribbon, velcro, & a little tape. It was super simple. I actually threw it together 10 minutes before her party.

Lenix wasn't left out. haha the picture of Casey & my belly just tickles me. I hope Lenix looks just like him, because Casey is beautiful to me. 

The weird random picture of my face was taken by my husband while Lainey & I were opening her presents. It made me realize how much makeup I wear & how bad I need a nose job. sheesshhh. It also makes me kind of happy. Because while all the pictures were supposed to be of our daughter, Casey zoomed in to take a picture of his wife. a lot of them.  I'm a super self-conscious person, I'm always hard on myself. I barely ever feel pretty. Every once in awhile I'll use Casey's phone to take pictures of Lainey. I never go threw his phone to look at his pictures, but when I take pictures of Lainey I always go back & review them. I found that my husband takes pictures of me every once in awhile. Me just watching tv, hair in a pony tail, wearing a hoodie & no make-up. (I looked horrible) But he zoomed in to my face and took pictures of me. A few of them were even black & white. I take pictures of things that I find beautiful. That day, he thought I was beautiful enough to take a picture of. -I know this is way off the point of Lainey's birthday but this weird picture of my face means so much to me. Because at that point in time I know, to my husband, I was beautiful. 

                            
 This is a very decent family picture. My friend Cherish took it & I was sooooo excited when I saw it. Even though it was Lainey's cheesy fake smile, At least she was smiling. We have maybe 8 family pictures that are decent. 2 I actually like. So, I was ecstatic over this picture even though I'm super white & my hair was super trashy-gold.

& we ended the day with Lainey taking her nap in our guest bedroom. There were still a few close friends over but we layed down with her & just held her for a few minutes. Just admiring her beauty like she was a portrait we'd never see again. We just took her in, amazed by how much she'd changed in a year's time. holding her head up, sitting up, pulling up, crawling, walking, talking some. We're watching our baby learn & change everyday. All in all, she had a good first birthday. It's bittersweet to me.