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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

ready? or not.

braxton hicks can kiss my butt.
stronger, harder, closer, longer. - sounds dirty, somewhat racy. but no, quite the opposite.
I have been in pain, and I know it's just a little taste of what's to come.
Of course when I'm in pain, I tell Casey. His response is always the same. "You'll be okay."
FYI- He wasn't able to be present at Lainey's birth because of his service to this great country. I've been trying to "prep" him for this whole labor experience we're about to go through. I'm sure he'll know how to handle it when the time comes, but if I hear one single "You'll be okay", he'll probably find his self sitting in the hall. Anyways, I figure he knew what to expect. I mean woman screams, pushes, & hello baby. It's not really a hard concept to grasp, but a part of me knew he wasn't really thinking of all the graphic stuff. So, last night I sit him down. "Casey, will you watch a birth video so you wont get in the room & freak out." He just looked at me like are you serious? I said please, it's really important to me. Inside, I was laughing like crazy. So I pull up babycenter.com - 3 videos. - Natural birth, Epidural Birth, & Emergency C-section.
They had Twins, Triplets, Water birth. But i felt lucky getting him to agree to just one. So, I only asked him to watch the ones with situations that could possibly happen to us. Im not too sure what part he was watching specifically, but I saw his eyes go wide. I didn't ask his opinion until the end of the 3rd video & he looked at me with the most pitiful face ever & said "Ricki, Do I have to watch anymore?" Poor thing.
I asked him what he thought. "I might throw up, I think I need to sit down & drink some water."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How are you gonna handle this in real life?!! What'd he think it was like? Glitter and cookies?? About an hour later as we were giving Lainey her bath he says "Birth is a really big deal huh? I don't know if I'm gonna be able to handle it."  - Deep inside me I wish I could see a visual image of what he was expecting before these videos. - I said "Casey, all you have to do is stand there. I'm gonna need you to man up & handle this. It's MY crotch thats about to endure this." He didnt really say anything for awhile. We get in bed & he says "I'm kindof glad it's you & not me." & then proceeds to kiss my forehead. -Boy,Boy,Boy. This is about to be some kind of experience. What I would give to video this whole thing. Me & him, alone in a hospital room, about to birth a child.
Needless to say, We already have a list of rules. Number one being, under no circumstance whatsoever, is he allowed to say "You'll be okay." I calculate birth to be about 2-3 weeks away. So please, pray for my husband  & I. - This is about to be a life changer.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

update.

We are back from our trip home. Now it is time to get in gear for Mr.Lenix, because ready or not, he is on his way! I can't believe Im less than a month away from being a mother to two beautiful children. I never in a million years imagined this would be my life. No kids. No marriage. No airforce. & definitely No North Dakota. But here I find myself, blessed by the grace of God & so happy my heart is bursting with joy. I wont lie though, I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of labor, a c-section, epidural, & honestly I'm terrified to have two children to take care of. Just a mere two years ago I was gone with the wind & couldn't even take care of myself. I'm not really sure why God picked me to have these little miracles as my children. He could've given them to a fully deserving upper middle class family who's been trying to have children for years, but cant. Why me? I'll never know the answer to that, & I couldn't be happier that it was me who was blessed with them. My life is now completely devoted to keeping their bellys full & keeping a smile on their faces. Not only them, but my husband as well. Saturday will be our 1st anniversary!! He's mentioned it several times this week & has already found us a babysitter. Which makes me glow with happiness because he's not the "romantic type". Not even hardly. But the fact that he's the one that has mentioned it so much just lets me know that it does matter to him. I would be happy just to sit here at home with him & Lainey. Him wanting to actually take his whale of wife (35 weeks pregnant) somewhere makes me a happy girl. This probably will be our last alone time before his deployment. With Lenix on the way, family visiting & just our everyday ruckus, I'm sure this will be our last time to just enjoy a minute of breathing time together for months & months.
We had pictures taken when we went home on leave. Lainey wasn't cooperative, of course. Over 200 pictures & she smiled in 4. Really?? But anywho, I'm super thankful just to have one decent one of the 3 of us.I guess it doesnt really matter if she was smiling or not because  in a month they wont be sufficient, anymore since number 4 will be here. Here's some of my favs.








Thursday, October 6, 2011

reminiscing.


the past post really had me thinking about the day I had Lainey. Just so much raw emotion. these are some pictures that make it feel like it was this morning. My hair was a mess, I didnt have one of those c-section planned, put make up on for pictures births. It amazes me in almost everysingle picture I never stopped looking at her. I was so caught up in her beauty & still am to this day. 

The very first time I ever held my sweet baby. My whole life changed in that second.
this was like 3 minutes after she was born. 



Telling Casey how beautiful she was/

i was the proudest momma.
even with people all around, i still couldnt stop looking at her.











this night she was crying & was handed to me. she instantly stoopped. my hair was horrible. but when you have naturally curly hair, the last thing you wanna do after birthing a child is spend an hour straightening hair.

meeting mom's friends.



meeting her great grandmother. 
nonnie.
chacha.
including my dads belly, this is a picture of 4 generations. 


she puts the best in friend. 


pain medicine? cousin kaitlyn.

meeting papow shane.  his first grandbaby.

meeting aunt kaley.



a full plate.

It's been awhile since I've sat down and blogged. Main reason being these are the very last few weeks I have with just "mama & lainey time". I try to never take anything for granted, so I've been spending some extra special time with her. 
The next few months are about to be at the very least, hectic. We have a vacation trip home next week & it will be a much needed break from everything. It'll also be the last time Casey sees his parents before he deploys. I know saying goodbye this time will be different from the rest. After we get back from Mississippi, it will be time to have a baby. Mr.Lenix. He has already rocked his mama's world. Now that labor is so close, I;m getting nervous about it. If it's like it was with Lainey, no big deal. I felt no pain, & it was over as soon as it started. I feel as if I got pretty lucky in that department. So, what's the odds of that happening twice? My honest opinion, I think I probably have a better chance on being struck by lightning. To me nothing about a new baby is glamorous. not the pregnancy, not the l&d, & damn sure not the first week or two after birth. It's just the Love. Thats what's so exciting about it. The overwhelming feeling as you see your child for the first time. The instant love that no one in this world can comprehend or even come close to understanding, but a mother, who's been threw the exact same thing. Something so overwhelmingly powerful that the pain that your own body just went through is the furthest thing from your mind. I went from wondering what was going on "down there", to completely forgetting about it, within a second. Watching Lainey take her first breath has  been the greatest, most fulfilling experience of my life. hands down. The first time the handed her to me I didnt even know how to hold a baby. I hated kids. Still do, besides a slim few. But the second she open her eyes & looked at mine was magical. I'll never be able to fully explain it like it really feels. I was an unmarried, uneducated, unemployed, teenage mother. But I didnt care.She was my everything in an instant, And I was suddenly perfectly happy being me, because I was her mother. My mom was there when I had Lainey & the moment Im talking about, where me&L made eyecontact for the first time, my mom got it on camera. She got several great pictures when Lainey was born. I never even noticed she was taking pictures, that's how caught up in Lainey I was. The fact that Im about to go threw all of this again is amazing. (overwhelming, scary, and ridiculous) but amazing. And this time I (hopefully) get to experience it with my husband. I pray that he somehow feels some of this 'magic'. I call it magic because i dont know what else to call it, to me that's what it is. --  Compared to my last pregnancy, this one has flown by at an alarming rate. He has a room, with furniture. But that's it. No bedding, no diapers his size. It's overwhelming. That time is almost gone, this is really about to happen again. I have to kick myself into high gear. I'm hoping he will be here well before Thanksgiving. That way he will have time with his daddy. I've already had 8 months of bonding time with him, Casey deserves at least a week or two.  -  Our mothers & my best friend are coming up here before he leaves & I am so excited I could pee. I never thought I'd have a mother-in-law like I do. I always heard all of the common mother-in-law horror stories, & assumed I'd have a wicked witch like everybody else. I guess I lucked out. Because her coming here feels like Christmas to me. I really thank God for her, that she accepts me as I am, faults & all. My mom & lindsay coming are just icing on the cake.I love the fact that over the years, I've had a friendship that has lasted throughout everything. She was my first friend that came to see lainey & we hadnt even been that close while i was pregnant with lainey, but she was there. & she's gonna be here shortly after Lenix.  I also love, love, love the fact that I have a mother who has honestly always been there for me. She hasnt really missed a moment in my life & I'll never take that for granted. How blessed can I get? .  I am so excited that for a little bit, I will have the people that mean the most to me and my family (Casey, Me, The L Babys, & our mothers) together. Even if it's just for a few days. Family is so special to me. Especially since we dont get to see ours too often. ---Im not too upset about Casey leaving anymore. I know we'll be just fine. Plus Im going to school while he's gone, so Im pretty excited about it. Finally getting started back on a path that will make my children proud. I wish I didnt have to move across country with two babies, in snow. But it will be worth it. I have so much to do in so little time. But at the same time I have so much to be thankful for that it kind of diminishes all of my worries & fears. Just one of those moments I get to look up & smile, because I know there is a greater power looking out for me. Jeremiah 29:11. 

21 deep questions.


this was suggested by a fellow blogger and i havent blogged in weeks. so what better reason to.

1. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
neither. i always like to make eye contact when it comes to serious stuff. it helps me know who i can trust.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.
i haven't really been THAT mad in a long time. But Lainey's birthday comes to mind. I was sick with strep throat, & had absolutely no sleep, Casey left me to go play golf. Sounds stupid now, but being pregnant & super emotional had a huge part in it. 
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
wow. this question really just went there. if i was alone, i'd call my mom first & just tell her that i loved her & i;d prob be as quick as i could & then call casey. there's no way I'd be able to say everything I needed to say. my main concern would be letting them know how much i love them. and that my children would be taken care of.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
when they said deep questions, they meant it.
a) i would tell my mother, & try to help her deal with the fact that she was about to loose another person that is close to her. i would never hide that from her, because she's been threw so much concerning death in the past few years. more than any person ever should really.
b) i would spend every single second with my children. that's the easiest question ive ever had to answer. I dont care about going to hawaii, sky diving, or anything like that. there's nothing i HAVE to see before my time here is up. I would just want to be with my babies and my husband. & just hold them, try to give them an idea of how much they mean to me.
c) yes & no. scared of the unknown, what my children would be like or have to deal with. I wouldnt be there for school, proms, ball games, their weddings.  scared of dying>no. I have faith in where i will go, & who will be there with open arms. 
5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.love. hands down. 
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
odds are, i'd never even see the dog. i'd be mad i was having to walk.
7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?on a honeymoon with my husband. we never got to do that. i dont really care where, i'd just want to be with him. even if it was a tent in the middle of nowhere.   we never get to be alone, but it's not really a problem because we love our child & wouldnt trade a second we've had with her for anything in this world. however, it would be nice just to take a little time off from our responsibilities & just breathe, together. If someone offered me a trip to anywhere, I'd either say ancient rome, or the mayan temples. im a history buff & those two cultures get me excited.
8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
my grandfather. & to be honest, I'd give him a whole year of my life. Im not sure he'd want it though. He's happier where he is & i know that for a fact. He is with my grandmother, right where he belongs. On another note, If i had a choice who I got to bring back, it'd be my grandmother Lucy, or my mamow Ruth.(sorry Granddaddy, but i know you wouldnt even want to) I'd love to just sit with them, just for a little while and just talk. ask questions. let them meet Lainey. beg my mamow to teach me to sew. i'd just want to talk with them about life in general. They both passed when I was at the age that I thought I knew everything & couldnt learn anything from them. in reality, I knew absolutely nothing & could learn everything from them. damnit.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

absolutely. one thing i can say about myself is that i am a VERY loyal friend. if youre my friend, i will always be there, no matter what, no questions asked. i tell my friends the truth even if it's not what they want to hear. 

10. Does love = sex?
i'm not too sure i understand the question. if you love someone does that mean you have sex with them? no. i love many people that i do not have sex with. i think the question was supposed to be does sex equal love. The answer is still no. however, i do believe sex is only supposed to be shared between a couple who have love. really im too fat for it & i could care less about it right now. i think it's too public and glorified these days, sex should always be a private matter.  
11. Your best friend dies, what would you do?
why is this whole thing about death??
i would cry my eyes out & fly home as fast as i could. to hug tami because that would mean she just lost her daughter. & really i'd try to explain to courtnay the way I knew lindsay and how she should strive to be just like her. 
12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
i try to tell casey how i feel about him everysingle day. I also tell my daughter, but she doesnt really understand yet.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?

not.
“i..i think i love you”
“oh…uhhhhh……………………………hmmm…thanks??…..”
tell me that isnt an awkward moment.
14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?sweets/desserts, mt.dew. 
15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
i dont love lainey in a romantic way. so this morning, about 100 times already.
16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would it be?
school. & all the problems I personally caused between casey & i.
18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
i dont even know how really. i took a class once, in 8th grade. I remember nothing. 
17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?
i probably wasnt supposed to, but i did notice that 17 & 18 were reversed. & if i was seriously scared enough i'd call security forces.....after i called my husband to get their number.
19. Are you old fashioned?
more & more everyday.
20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?im going to assume that based on all these questions about love and whatnot, whoever wrote up this survey is someone who was recently hurt by his/her significant other and wants the whole freakin world to choose the “right” answer by writing: LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
for every answer. or something like that.
21. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish?really, money. i know thats selfish but i'd ask for a lot. so casey wouldnt have to work & i wouldnt have to go to school, to eventually work. We could spend the day with our babies. 

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