reality check. it's not gonna be perfect mama.

I am 20 weeks pregnant with my second child. 
My first child is 10 moths old.
Needless to say, I haven't been too excited this pregnancy. More like overwhelmed.
Monday night, my husband & I, were in Wal-Mart looking at baby stuff for the new nursery.
For the first time, I felt excited. I was going to get to bring a baby home to a clean, decorated, well organized place.It was going to be his or her"ownplace". Where they belonged. 
It felt so perfect, I had my family, in its place. 


To understand this fully, you must know our first child was born out of wedlock & her parents were 2000 miles apart during her birth. She met her father when she was almost 2 weeks old. I didn't get to bring her home to her nursery until the end of November. She was born September 2nd.  So that being said, It's pretty clear that's almost became a dream of mine. To have everything ready, everything in it's place, mommy & daddy both there to welcome their precious baby & shower it with love. 


I went to bed that Monday night elated. It's the American Dream, right?  A little house, A little family, nothing goes wrong.
Tuesday morning my phone rings, It was my husband. "Ricki, Im deploying." 
I remember telling myself to breathe. I didn't say anything but when. "December 5th."
My due date is December 1st. Dreams, Happiness, my whole heart, just crushed. 


He's going to a base in the middle east, but it's said to be a pretty safe place to be. I guess that's the part I at least get to be thankful for. I tell him I'll always be there for him, My love will stay strong & faithful no matter how many miles are between us. & I mean it. But this has crushed me. Having a newborn again , alone. Granted our parents are super supportive and loving & I couldn't be more grateful for them. But it's not the same. I want my husband. 
It's just one of the most special times the Lord gives us. A new baby, A little miracle. 
I want to bring him or her home, to our home. as a family, our family. 


I know there is nothing I can do or say to change it. He'll be leaving & So will I.
Me & my two babies will move back to Mississippi for the 6 months he is gone. Mississippi is all the way across the country. There we are two hours from the gulf of mexico, here we are an hour from the Canadian border.  Somehow, I have to make that trip Me, a 16 month old, a newborn, & any of our belongings we expect to take with us. Two years ago I was crazy, wild, young, & didn't have a care in the world. Today, I have so many responsibilities it's ridiculous. I jumped into my adult life head first.  


One thing that bothers me a lot is Lainey. Casey is her most favorite person in this world. 

This picture was taken today after Casey had just left from lunch. She crawled to the door as fast as she could screaming "dada".  I'm so scared she will think she's done something wrong to be taken away from him. Six months is a long time. When he walks in the room, her face lights up like the Fourth of July. How can they take him away from her? I know she won't understand. The deployment is 5 months away, but it feels like tomorrow. & I cant help but just cry.